All Practices, Written Out

Short written versions of every practice taught in class, in the order you meet them. The standing rule for all of them: everything is an invitation. If anything feels like too much — open your eyes, feel your feet, take a slow breath, step away. Caring for yourself in that moment IS the practice. And the umbrella rule: if it's a struggle, it's not self-compassion.

The Self-Compassion Break

~60 seconds, for the moment something goes wrong.

1. Find your soothing gesture — hand on heart, cheek, forearm, self-hug; whichever actually soothes you.
2. Mindfulness: “This is a moment of suffering. This is hard.”
3. Common humanity: “Suffering is part of being human. I'm not the only one.”
4. Self-kindness: the words you'd most want to hear, aimed at yourself: “May I be kind to myself. I'm here for you.”

If hand-on-heart feels weird, that's normal — the gesture is one doorway; a warm mug, a walk, or petting a dog are others.

Soles of the Feet

~60 seconds; grounding when your head is spinning. Works standing, walking, or seated; nobody around you will know.

1. Notice the sensations in the soles of your feet on the floor. Rock gently to feel them more clearly.
2. Feel how the floor holds you up — the ground is doing the work.
3. Walk slowly if you can: lifting… stepping… placing.
4. Mind wanders → back to the feet. That's the whole practice.

Affectionate Breathing

5–15 minutes, seated. The daily-sit backbone.

1. Posture your body can trust; eyes closed or soft. A hand somewhere supportive if you like.
2. Notice the body breathing — not watching it like a hall monitor; letting yourself be rocked by it.
3. Incline toward the breath the way you would toward a sleeping pet — with warmth.
4. Wandering is what minds do. No scolding; gently return.

If breath-focus feels uncomfortable — it does for some people — rest attention on your hands or on the whole body swaying instead. Same practice, different doorway.

Soothing / Supportive Touch

2–3 minutes to find your gesture; then use it everywhere.

1. Try each for ~10 seconds: one hand on heart · two hands · heart + belly · cupped hands in lap · hand on cheek · self-hug · stroking the forearm.
2. Choose the one that genuinely soothes or supports you today.
3. That's your gesture — pair it with every other practice.

Loving-Kindness Meditation

10–15 minutes. Start easy, then include yourself.

1. Bring to mind a being who makes you smile — an easy, uncomplicated relationship (grandparent, best friend, your dog).
2. Offer slowly: May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be healthy. May you live with ease.
3. Widen: picture yourself beside them — May you and I…
4. Let them go with thanks; full attention on yourself: May I…
5. No warmth showing up? Fine — the wish is the practice, not the feeling.

Finding Your Phrases

~10 minutes, pen and paper. Words that actually land.

1. Ask: What do I need? Let the answer come from the neck down — a universal need (to belong, to be safe, to be enough). Write it; rewrite it as a wish.
2. Ask: What do I long to hear? Words that, whispered to you daily, would make you say thank you, thank you. Go only as deep as you want.
3. Convert to a wish you can give yourself (“I love you” → “May I know that I am loved”). Circle ONE.
4. Whisper it into your own ear the way you'd whisper to someone you love — 20% slower than feels natural.

Design specs: simple, clear, authentic, kind. A wish, not a claim — “may I be at peace” can't be cross-examined. If your mind files an objection, soften the phrase.

Motivating Yourself with Compassion

~15 minutes, written, private. The critic work — order matters.

1. Pick a behavior you beat yourself up about (mild-moderate, actually changeable). Write it and its costs.
2. Write what the critical voice says — words, tone, or the wordless cold version.
3. Switch chairs: offer sympathy to the part of you that's been RECEIVING this for years. “This is hard.”
4. Turn to the critic with curiosity, not war: what is it trying to protect you from? Acknowledge it if you can — or skip this and honor its cost instead.
5. Find the compassionate voice — it accepts you unconditionally AND wants the change. Let it speak: “I care about you, and I don't want you to suffer.” Then write yourself a short note in that voice.

Safety note: if your critic speaks in the voice of someone who genuinely harmed you, sit this one out or work smaller — and that work goes better with a counselor beside you.

The Compassionate Letter

10–20 minutes, a few times a week. Evidence: benefits measurable months later (Shapira & Mongrain, 2010).

1. Pick a format that doesn't make you cringe: (a) your compassionate self writes to you; (b) an imaginary wise, caring friend writes to you; (c) write to a friend struggling with your exact issue, then re-address it.
2. Write about the thing you criticize yourself for — with the tone you'd use for someone you love.
3. Read it back. Let receiving it be part of the practice.

Soothing Rhythm Breathing

3–5 minutes. From compassion-focused therapy — the vagal brake.

1. Let the breath slow and deepen — roughly 5 seconds in, 5–6 out.
2. Emphasize the exhale: a little longer than feels automatic.
3. Add a slight, kind facial expression — the body reads your own face.
4. Rest in the rhythm; return when the mind wanders.

In for Me, Out for You

5–10 minutes. Compassion that doesn't require abandoning yourself.

1. Every in-breath is for YOU — savor it; kindness riding in.
2. Every out-breath is for someone else — ease flowing to a specific person, or whoever shows up.
3. Find your balance: tank empty? Ten for me, one for you. That's not selfish; it's respiratory mechanics.

The Garden at the End + a Vow

~15 minutes, pen and paper. Core values.

1. Visualize: you're old, in a beautiful garden, looking back on a life where you stayed true to yourself. What core values are visible? Write them.
2. Pick one value your current life is out of tune with. List external and internal obstacles.
3. Ask: could self-compassion help — tender (loosening the critic's grip) or fierce (a boundary, a no, protected time)?
4. Turn the value into a vow: “I vow to…, as best I can.” Say it each morning — before the phone.

Soften – Soothe – Allow

10 seconds to 10 minutes. For difficult emotions — 3-or-4-out-of-10 material, never your heaviest thing. Skip anger (armored emotions need the fierce toolkit).

1. Ground: feet, sounds, breath, a supportive hand.
2. Label the feeling warmly, like validating a friend: “Oh. That's worry.”
3. Find where it lives in the body — chest, throat, gut.
4. SOFTEN the muscles around the spot — warm water on a tight shoulder; maybe just the edges.
5. SOOTHE yourself because this is hard — hand on the spot, one kind sentence.
6. ALLOW: stop evicting the feeling; release the project of making it go away.

Warning label: this is not a deletion technique — it's a new relationship with feelings. Feeling better is a side effect; chase it and you're back at war.

The Compassionate Friend

10–12 minutes. The imagery doorway.

1. Imagine somewhere safe and comfortable. Enjoy being there.
2. Receive a visitor: a warm, wise, unconditionally caring presence — person, figure, or formless warmth. Find the right distance.
3. Be in their company. Nothing to perform. They may have something to tell you — listen. They may leave a gift.
4. Before they go, realize: this friend is a part of YOU. On-board equipment.

Not a visual person? The point is the feeling of supportive company — feelings without pictures count.

The One-Minute Relationship Tool

60 seconds, mid-argument.

1. Excuse yourself — water, bathroom, “give me one sec.”
2. Hand somewhere supportive. Three lines: “This is a moment of suffering — conflict hurts.” “Friction is part of every relationship on earth.” “May I be kind to myself right now.”
3. Walk back in. Breathe in for me, out for them. Watch what happens to their tone when yours changes.

Compassion with Equanimity

2–3 minutes. For when someone you care about is suffering and you can't fix it.

1. “Everyone is on their own life journey.”
2. “I am not the cause of this person's suffering — nor is it entirely in my power to make it go away, though I wish I could.”
3. “Moments like this are difficult to bear… yet I may still try to help, if I can.”
4. Then: in for me, out for you.

This is not detachment — “I may still try to help” stays in the sentence. It corrects the job description without revoking the love.

Anger and Unmet Needs (optional home practice)

~20 minutes, private. The excavation. READ THE RULES FIRST.

1. Selection rules (the whole safety architecture): a PAST relationship — over and done; mild-to-moderate; you're safe now; an event where YOU were poorly treated.
2. Layer 1 — validate: “It's okay to feel angry. I was hurt.” Fist over heart, other hand wrapped around it. (If you've been swallowing anger for years, staying right here is a complete practice.)
3. Layer 2 — the soft feelings the anger guards: hurt? fear? loneliness? shame? Name one gently.
4. Layer 3 — the unmet need underneath: to be seen, respected, included, loved. Universal. Never unreasonable.
5. Layer 4 — the turn: the hands that waited for them to give it… give it directly. Say what you've been waiting to hear. One small action, the size of a text message.

Three honorable stop-points: validation only, soft feelings only, or the full sequence. Stopping early isn't failure.

Gratitude for Small Things (Ten Fingers)

5 minutes, nightly. The negativity-bias counter-move.

1. Ten fingers → ten SMALL, overlooked things from today. Not “my family” — buttons. Hot showers. Charged headphones.
2. Let yourself briefly enjoy each one as you count it.

Honest caveat: if gratitude was ever used ON you (“be grateful, stop complaining”), this can feel like obligation. If it makes you feel worse, that's real — the move is compassion for that, never forced thankfulness.

Appreciating Your Good Qualities

~8 minutes. The boss level.

1. Think of 3–4 things you actually like about yourself. Keep going past the surface ones. Nobody will hear this.
2. If uneasiness shows up, make room for it — you're not claiming perfection; you're acknowledging that this, too, is true.
3. Pick ONE quality. Who helped you build it? Send each builder a small thank-you.
4. Notice what happens to the discomfort when gratitude flows through it. Then let yourself feel good about yourself — Velcro, not Teflon.

Ubuntu: a person is a person through other persons. Appreciating yourself is a group activity.